Feeling empowered is a very important part of emotional well-being, yet it’s something many people lack. At home, at work, and in social settings, you may find yourself struggling to be heard or to feel a sense of control.  You can “just let go” in a Buddhist sort of way, but you can also “show up for yourself” and make sure you are really being present in the situation. Assertiveness helps you be fully engaged in your own life, and its development is one of the objectives in The 8 Steps to Becoming You. Below are four tips to help you become more assertive and take back your sense of empowerment.

1. Be friendly, not accommodating

If you’re not used to being assertive, you may not know there’s a difference between friendly and accommodating people. Friendly people care about their loved ones, and they feel good helping however they can in times of need. They feel secure in knowing they could ask for help if the tables were turned.

On the other hand, accommodating people don’t know when to say no. They care about their family and friends, and if asked to, they will help to their own detriment. As a result, they may be nice on the surface, while feeling resentful and angry inside.  They know they assist people too much but don’t understand they can just say “no.”

When you choose to be friendly, you’re not only being friendly to others, you’re being friendly to yourself. Realize that taking care of the needs of others doesn’t mean sacrificing your own. If a friend asks you to help them with something that you don’t have time or money for, ask to be reimbursed or to do it at a time that’s convenient for you. By insisting on compromise, you won’t feel like the victim of other people’s demands.

2. Speak up, not out

When you think of what assertiveness means, you may picture someone who is overly harsh and demanding. However, assertiveness is more about speaking up than speaking out. You’ll want to speak out (or yell out!) whenever your needs aren’t being met. You may get angry and blame others for manipulating you. We’ve all been there, and there’s a better way.

Speaking up prevents blowups and blame shifting. By making people aware of your needs up front, you’re doing everybody a service by proactively setting reasonable expectations. Only you know what you need, and communicating that to others will result in more balanced, healthy relationships and promote self-esteem.

3. Keep your resolve

There are many self-help books on shelves that stress the importance of boundaries. Indeed, boundaries are important, but equally as important is the ability to keep them defined. Keeping your resolve takes discipline because some people will walk around the lines you’ve drawn. What then?

Keep drawing the lines and and be clear with others. When you give into demands despite your feelings, you put yourself into an undesirable cycle: people will walk over your boundaries, and you’ll continue to cave. Don’t give in — empower yourself by reinforcing your boundaries.

4. Give yourself permission to lose selfish “friends”

We all know what selfish “friends” are: they’re warm and complimentary, but they interact with us transactionally — they only give when they need something in return. Because of this, selfish “friends” trample boundaries, and they won’t like your new sense of empowerment. Selfish “friends” are not friends!

If you hate breakups, don’t worry. You won’t have to tell them things aren’t working out. These types disappear on their own when they realize you won’t do anything for them anymore. Some may try to guilt you, but don’t listen. You’re not being the bad guy by taking care of yourself.

When you lack empowerment, your life is in the hands of others. This creates anxiety and resentment. Becoming more assertive will help you regain control and feel empowered. If you’ve tried your best to be assertive and empower your life without success, ask Laurie for personalized advice.